Detox Divorce

It’s time to detox the word divorce and educate society that it does not have this ugly toxic event where couples annihilate each other in court and supposedly sign their children up for a lifetime of psychological harm.

This negative mindset surrounding divorce has been programmed into us by society, culture, and/or religion and influences how we react towards it. But this ‘divorce blueprint’ needs to change and evolve like the evolving face of the ‘traditional’ family. We need to stop tilting our heads with sympathy when someone announces they are getting divorced and be more positive with the advice we offer.

Imagine the difference it could make to a divorcing couple if their friends and family stopped forecasting doom and gloom and instead encouraged them to see their divorce as an opportunity to grow and develop their life in areas that they have neglected or did not have the chance to previously explore. Mix that in with a divorce professional (such as myself) who teaches them how to rearrange their finances and family dynamics so that there is little impact on their lives and their children – someone who shows them a holistic approach to their divorce so that they can come out the other side with their dignity intact. It would save so much devastation to families seeking to separate.

Admittedly, there are some divorces doomed to go down the acrimonious route, but I think fewer would end up this way if our internal and external conversations about divorce were played out more positively.

Most divorcing couples are in tune with their moral compasses and are capable of making decisions in divorce that are fair and amicable but somehow the external negativity that surrounds them fuels their fear – making them putty in the hands of pit bull lawyers  that can lead to the vitriolic 5 or 6 figure court battles lasting years on end.

Lawyers do what lawyers do – they fight for what they perceive is ‘best’ for their clients. They have no vested interest in the future of their clients or their client’s children or how positive their divorce journey was. They do a job, get paid and move on to the next client. The rest of us – we don’t have such a limited role.  I am not saying we should encourage our family and friends to divorce, far from it. What I am saying is that we should help them to save their marriage where possible, but when separation is inevitable, we need to work hard – perhaps even harder – to ensure that it is amicable. This is more likely to save a family from immense stress, pressure and heartache than the destructive advice often advanced.

Creating an optimistic view of divorce, without trivialising it, can help those going through it to make better choices or at least fewer destructive ones. I have seen divorce from both sides of the coin, as a one-sided divorce solicitor and as an amicable inclusive divorce consultant so I have experienced the difference of the two discrete mindsets. Since switching to the holistic amicable side, I have worked with many clients and helped them to rebuild their lives post-divorce, in a more liberating and empowering way. In fact, I worked with a client a few months ago who contacted me when his wife of 20 years announced that she wanted a divorce. Whilst it did not come as a surprise to him, he was completely broken by the prospect. In the first meeting, listening to him describe his life, I could see that he had given so much of himself to his family that he had completely neglected himself in the process. He did not feel worthy of his wife as she was much younger and, in his words, ‘very stunning’ so he threw all his energy into trying to make her and the kids happy without thinking of himself. Even whilst going through the divorce, I could see that he did not feel deserving of a fair financial settlement. He allowed his wife to play the leading role behind all the decision making because he equated the end of his marriage to the end of his life, so he had no interest in making impactful decisions about his future. He had images of being stuck in a bedsit, unable to see his kids other than every other weekend and no prospect of ever having a loving relationship again. Before I helped him with the divorce paperwork, I worked with him to shift his mindset, showed him how to build his confidence back up and how an amicable divorce means he can maintain his relationships. It was important that he started to believe in himself again and believe that it was possible to be divorced and still be happy.  It took a few months to get there but when he realised there was hope for the future, he made betters decisions in the present. He realised that that the divorce settlement had to be fair to his wife and to himself as he had to build a future for himself. Eventually, they managed to make some good decisions between them, and he has discovered, that there is life after divorce.

My role is to help my clients with an amicable divorce. In simple terms this means I help them to decide how to split their assets, complete their divorce paperwork and work out co-parenting arrangements. On a deeper level, it is so much more than that. Majority of my clients require emotional support and a lot of practical life advice that they just don’t have access to anywhere else. I don’t fire them up to the take their ex to the cleaners. I help them to gain perspective and to do what is best suited for them. I have been thanked a countless amount of times for being a shoulder to cry on and helping them to see that they have so much to live for. This is why I love my job – the ability to help people when all hope was lost gives me the type of job satisfaction that I cannot express in words.

I understand that divorce is difficult – not only do I deal with it professionally on a daily basis, I have also experienced it up close and personal through the eyes of some of my closest family members. Both experiences have taught me that if people had a better support network and more positivity around them, their divorce would be a manageable event rather than a horrific tale they lived to tell. With the right type of personal support and amicable divorce options, they can avoid much of the divorce pain and improve the chances of having a post-divorce relationship rather than spending thousands of pounds on vicious court cases spiraling out of control.

My mission is to who people that divorce is not an action taken by a victim against a perpetrator, it is an opportunity to get empowered, to create new dreams, get closure from the past and move on with your future. It is the beginning, not the end.

Complete an Enquiry Form  to make a free enquiry about your divorce options. You can also email me at  sl@divorceconsultants.co.uk   or Whats app me on 07967 012 006.

This article is for general information purposes only and does not constitute legal advice.

“Hi Sonia – Thank you once again for taking this on and being so professional and helpful. ” J.J

“I just wanted to say thank you for everything you did for us. Your professional guidance really helped me to get a successful result. I visited a few firms before choosing your firm and I am really glad that I did.” Inderjit

‘Dear Sonia -Thank you for your help and kind advise, it was so nice to have a friendly voice the other end of the phone over a difficult time , with the divorce and my fathers illness. Thank you once again’  Regards Sue